The Nearness That Remains

Photo: My mom, Carol (center), with her parents and siblings.

Today is a convergence of many feelings and thoughts - especially related to grief. April 12 rings out personally as significant. The day my mom, Carol, left this world, free from the pain and suffering of cancer. A bittersweet day that, more often than not, has felt bitter. The sliver of silver lining remaining is the hope of heaven and healing, and a heart full of thanksgiving for the legacy of faithfulness she left behind.

On this date, now 28 years later, I will attend a visitation for my dear friend’s father, Steve. He is another example of faithfulness as a longtime pastor, counselor, dad, husband, and friend to many. He is also the man who married my late husband, Josh, and me. Steve did our pre-marital counseling and gave each of us space to lean into ministry and take risks in our respective areas—youth and missions, girls ministry, music, and more.

Yet, once again, the monster of cancer has claimed another life, even when we hoped, prayed, and fought for it not to be true. What is true is that the loss of three people, due to cancer, is tragically sad. And in every case, we prayed for different outcomes – for more time, for an earthly healing … for understanding. Seemingly, none of these things happened. 

Slowly, over time, a hint of understanding has crept in, in part for my experiences, but never fully. There are still many lingering questions I have for God.

In the midst of wrestling with questions and doubts, one thing I am continually reminded of is the nearness of God. No matter how I feel or how much I question, I trust God is right beside me. He is with me.

Interestingly, this theme came up at two different church services I enjoyed today. The messages were quite different, but still carried the same thread.

“Never will I leave you or forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5).

The first message, an Old Testament story about three men thrown into the fiery furnace from Life Church. In the midst of a crazy “fiery” situation, Jesus surprisingly showed up and was with the three young men who boldly trusted God, as the world around them did the opposite.

The second, from Irving Bible in Texas. This New Testament story featured Jesus walking with his friends on the road to Emmaus. His dear friends were filled with such sorrow and disappointment that they didn’t even realize he was with them.

When so much is happening, we can often miss God’s presence. We can also start to forget how he has been there through all the seasons and generations. It sometimes takes a lot to trust that he really is faithfully showing up time and time again. The disappointments place doubts in our minds.

Today, as sorrow still lingers in my heart when I reflect on those who aren’t here, I take a deep breath and try to hold tight to the peace of God’s presence.

A peace that comes with knowing that this is the same presence that was with my mom, husband, brother, and, more recently, my grandmother and Steve as their time on earth ended. 

A peace that comes in recalling how Jesus has been there with me in minutes, hours, days, and years since.

And a peace that comes still today, as I navigate lingering spaces of sorrow mixed with joyful hope with each passing day.

​A hope that is possible because of a God who has shown up faithfully throughout the generations. A hope that is possible because indeed Jesus is with me, and he is with you too, no matter what you are going through.

It is this hope that my mom shared throughout her life and is part of the legacy she left behind.

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