Wrestling with the Pause at Four

With the marker of Sept. 30 in mind, I find myself explaining why I am taking off work next Monday. In doing so, I wonder why I feel weird setting aside this day - is it still needed? There are things to do, projects to focus on, distractions that could be welcomed. It has been 5 years after all.

Yet I hold steady to the planned pause for the 30th of September as an element of self care. Resting in nature and thinking about all the layers of good and hard related to Josh seems fitting.

During the past few months as I have helped facilitate grief groups I've heard people share frustrations after being told, "Don't you need to get it together, it's been 10 months, a year, etc.." Yet here I am looking at 5 years and still know I need time for processing.

In wrestling with all of these thoughts and feelings what I realize is that as a culture we are quite busy, it is rare to really take the time to pause, reflect and remember. We put all kinds of phrasing to it - some well intended, some not . . .  “They would want you to keep going”  "That's just life." "Keep on truckin'" ... so we do. We keep going and we forget to pause or just skip over it.

Of course we don’t forget the people we loved, we don't want to, but we might forget that we are still carrying a wound with us in some way, a scar that aches like a former broken bone might when the weather changes. It's just harder to see those inside scars. We may not even know why we feel more tired or emotional after certain times.

If we take time to rest when we feel a little achy or tired physically, why not do the same emotionally. It's really ok to give permission for rest and remembering in a unique way. It doesn't mean you have a mental issue if you still tear up even after years.

I’m currently in a study of Psalms, and this week the study talked about how the Israelites would return together to remember God’s faithfulness. It was annual pilgrimage to remember. They would sing Psalms - like modern day hymns - to remember together. I expect there was much to remember, including people who had come and gone. The Psalms include message of hope, lament and everything in between.

Maybe in this now 4-day countdown I am still trying to convince myself that there is still good in the absence of Josh. At the same time I am trying remember that  honoring my grief is also good.

Thank you Lord for the memories of Josh and times with friends recently have who also brought back to life memories I had forgotten.

"My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon – from Mount Mizar.

​Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. 
 
By day the Lord directs his love, and night his song is with me – a prayer to the God of my life.

- Psalm 42:6-8

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