I will not let grief define me

“I will not let grief define me.”

This is a phrase I have heard others say while navigating grief, and even one I've thought at times. Yet as I drove across town this morning, it seemed my unstoppable tears attempted to battle this mantra.

It all started when I left the hospital parking lot and had a sudden memory of my late husband Josh and me walking around the pond near the cancer center following one of his appointments years ago. We tackled a lot together as a young couple, and I still miss "us." This memory, coupled with coming from a mammogram appointment and talking about my mom dying at age 45, seemed to be the quick-release button for all my emotions. Plus the car is my safe space. (IYKYK).

Unwillingly, yet necessarily, letting the tears fall, I started thinking about how my grief still has more ownership of me than I often want. Typically, I appear strong, like I got it all together; I am not a puddle of sadness every day. And truly, it is not always apparent that I still navigate feelings that come with 6+ years of spouse loss and decades-long grief of parent/sibling loss. New happy moments have entered my life story. There are plenty of good moments and . . . distractions.

Working at a grief center, many emotions trickle out from staff, volunteers, and people who come through the doors for the first time. I even recently had a coworker ask, “Does it ever just hit you at times?” The “it” being seemingly irrational grief emotions or bursts. Obviously, (per today's story) the answer is yes.

Within my journey, I still feel like I am trying to “figure it out.” Why do I feel like this? 1+2=3, right? This memory + this interaction could = tears.... etc. Reflecting, I can often register the path that led to an emotional outburst, but I still don't always see it coming. 

This all leads me to another big *sigh* at the realization that the grief monster has sprung again on an unexpectedly blazing-hot summer day in Missouri.

Since writing continues to be a source of self-therapy, I'm here sharing about it. :)  - thanks for reading!

Moments like today don't mean grief is defining me (and it doesn't mean it defines you), but it does mean that grief is still part of our story. Grief lingers because the love and care you have and had for people who aren’t here is still very much part of you (and me). This love mixed with sorrow co-mingles with the everyday pieces of life. Physical locations still exist where key moments happened; regular things like doctor's appointments still happen. We keep on livin' as we carry our grief. And sometimes, it just sucks!

Looking back at my writing from earlier in the day - having also listened in on a training grief group tonight - my emotions are pretty "jacked. But settling in to it all of it, a thought crossed my mind. . . 

In this moment and space, I can say that grief does not define me; yet, it's part of me. And, more importantly, it continues to inform how I respond to others walking down a path of heartache. This grief has shaped me and will continue to do so. I am still learning what to do with "it," and maybe someday I'll figure it out (or maybe not!). 

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